Control is an interesting topic. A topic that deserves many more words than I care to offer right this second.

It’s the anniversary of my Dad’s death tomorrow. While I have very vivid memories of that day, I also have just as vivid memories of today 3 years ago too. It’s weird seeing yourself as you before the event and you after the event as almost two entirely different people. I remember feeling a similar way after a great friend died suddenly. It sounds a bit mental written down really but I know I’m not alone in that idea, so I’m probably not mental.

Not consciously on my mind and not affecting me in a more typical manner, instead I’ve been near constantly on edge for a good few days now. A particularly stressful (but exciting) piece of work probably didn’t help matters but ultimately I think there’s just a certain amount of transference afoot there.

I’ve been sleeping terribly too. The past week I haven’t been able to sleep until about 4am. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was a simple matter of ‘Oh, can’t sleep. I’ll just go play a game or read a book for a while then’ but instead it’s hours of self doubt and worry. Fun.

It ranges from worrying over my career choices and chance of success, worrying about my Mum’s health, worrying about my own health (in both cases it’s hypochrondria but I suspect it’s perfectly reasonable given the suddenness, yet predictable signs, of my Dad’s death) to more frivolous worries such as my single status.

It’s all stuff that’ll go back to the back of my head soon enough once this time of the year has passed but it’s a bit crap while it lingers there.

Back to control though. These past few days have reminded me why I love gaming. It gives you control and escapism. The main times I’ve felt myself once more have been while playing games (mostly Medal of Honor) and it was a similar tale in the months after my Dad died. Maybe it’s pathetic to admit but being able to control something, even a game, can really help your mental wellbeing. I’ve no doubt about it.

Anyway, I’ll go back to normal soon enough. The next two weeks won’t be great I suspect. His funeral was the 25th (delayed due to waiting for the coroner who took forever – you wouldn’t believe how complicated things can get if someone dies suddenly at home compared to dying in hospital) so there’s a lot of memories associated with those two weeks. They were an exceptionally strange couple of weeks where time stood still really.

I don’t normally open up as much as this on my blog but sod it, I’m going to press the publish button anyhow.

4 thoughts on “Control

  1. Anon

    Games, as with life, merely present the illusion of control. Ultimately, all we have are choices.

    Give up on control; make good choices.

  2. Marco Fiori

    You’re braver than I’ll ever be Jen. I may have jumped out of planes, but you’re a stronger person than anyone I know.

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