I don’t like saying good riddance to a year. It never seems like a great attitude to me as it’s what you do with your time that dictates how things work out, not just the date. Having said that, I’m pleased to see the back of 2012. Too many things happened during it that I had little control over. Without meaning to sound melodramatic, it’s broken me a tad, so I’m looking forward to a year of rebuilding.
Nothing hugely dramatic happened this year, but sometimes a steady stream of lesser bad things can grind you down much more than one big thing. It reminds you of how vulnerable you really are and, in my case, how your support network has changed.
My Mum was ill throughout the Spring, Over 2 months of illness in all, encompassing a variety of problems, and with only the odd respite. Was it life threatening? No. Did that make me feel any better at the time? No. It was still a hugely difficult time.
You come to realise that when there’s only two of you in the house, if one of you is badly ill, things get a lot more difficult. It reminds you of how much you miss that third person that died younger than he should have and of an illness that was also just described as a virus at the time (there were underlying issues, masked by a virus). So when your Mum is ill with a nasty virus and it coincides with the anniversary of your Father’s death, you get twitchy.
The scariest bit I found was the night time. Given my Dad died in the night, I don’t much like that time of day any more. I don’t feel safe like I once did, no matter how long ago others may start to feel it has been. There were numerous nights where I was woken by the sounds of her being sick (the bathroom is near my bedroom and I’m quite a light sleeper when stressed). She looked like death and I don’t say that lightly. It proved to be particularly scary when she couldn’t even keep down water.
She got better, of course, but it took her a fair while to rebuild her energy levels. In my case, I was mentally drained. No one likes to be reminded in such a harsh way just how vulnerable they feel, something that hit us both hard. I’m immensely grateful for friends like Sinan, Karl and Dan who looked out for me during such tough times.
It knocked my already floundering confidence. That’s without mentioning everything else.
I’d love to list the many things that have gone wrong in the house this year, but I’ve honestly lost track. For a long time, the electrician was round every week as something new kept blowing in the house. While watching the Wimbledon final, for instance, I suddenly noticed a nearby socket was smoking. Rather worryingly, the fuse hadn’t blown and if it hadn’t been for our next door neighbour’s fine efforts, it would have been all the worse.
Leaks and general water/electricity based problems have been quite common this year. It makes you a little paranoid, after a time. The most recent ‘final straw’ was going to bed one night and discovering half my bed was soaking wet because water had been coming in all day. That was nice. It’s patched up for now, but it’s going to involve some expensive scaffolding and a workman of some description that hasn’t yet been arranged. I’ll skip mentioning the list of appliances that have gone wrong, too.
Conversely, work has gone quite brilliantly. I finally achieved a long term ambition by having my work published in a magazine. Regularly, in fact, as I’ve spent much of the year writing for MyM. I also contributed a lot to the London Comic Con show guide which was an awesome achievement. 148apps work is going similarly well which is great to see. Given how extremely close I was to quitting anything like that earlier in the year, I’m glad to see things paying off so well.
So, yeah. Bit of a miserable look back at the year. Shame as I had high hopes for it and excluding an amazing summer of sport to watch, things didn’t quite go according to plan. There are no guarantees in life so I can’t guarantee that 2013 will be instantly better but I’ll certainly try to make it better! Resolution wise, I have the usual clichés to aim for but, ultimately, none are more important than pursuing happiness. Life’s too short to aim for anything less.