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Today is 2 years since my Dad died. It’s weird to think it’s been 2 years. Part of me thinks that’s a long time and I should be through the crappiness by now, the other part of me accepts that 2 years is nothing when you’ve been used to the person you love being around your entire life.

I didn’t expect it but in many ways the second year and now has been harder than the first year. It’s not as obvious as it was but it’s there lingering. The first year I spent most of the time in a bit of a haze, muddling through and just being grateful when I survived difficult things like birthdays and Christmas, or even more normal things like surviving seeing a film my Dad particularly enjoyed. The second year though, I feel more pressurised into being ‘myself’ again.

I feel like I’m expected to really enjoy things again, to be as excited as I always was. It just doesn’t happen though. While some days are comparatively normal, I still dreaded Christmas, I still carefully sidestep seeing sad films or seeing the few remaining films that my Dad really loved. I’m just more subtle about it. I’m only really subtle as I figure a) people probably don’t want to hear about it as much anymore and b) I feel a bit like I’m now meant to get on with life even if I don’t feel at full strength again yet. I guess it says a lot that excluding my workmates, the only people that know about this anniversary are friends on Twitter and whoever’s reading this. It feels like an awkward topic to mention so I don’t. Work only know because they had to know although credit to them for being brilliant about it all.

I actually found my Dad’s birthday much, much harder than the last time. My only thinking behind that is because last time/the first time, I was just pleased to get through the day. This time round I have all these doubts as to whether I should be dealing with it better or not. There’s a little rational side of my brain that figures I’m holding down a job, I’m trying to make some money writing (and failing admittedly) and I do have more good days than bad days, but the doubts are still there. My Aunt’s spent most of the weekend crying over my Dad and she didn’t live with him and didn’t see him die, so I guess I’m probably doing ok.

I think maybe part of it is that I need to accept that it’s going to be a slow process and also, without trying to sound melodramatic, I’m not going to be the person I was before that day.

That’s actually a very scary thought but one that I’m also grudgingly accepting. Obviously various elements of me will remain but I’ve no doubt that I’m a hell of a lot more sensitive than I used to be, as well as fiercely protective of my mother. It’s the little things that probably aren’t obvious if you’re not in my head. I’m more insecure, I know how to put an act on and to ‘hide’, my perspective on an awful lot of things has completely changed and I’m worried that I won’t be as care free as I was then. Ultimately it’s that feeling in the back of my head that I’m not going to be the person I was when I went to bed April 11th 2008 which is a horrible thought considering it was all out of my control. I can’t really say that I’ll always be like this ‘new’ me. Hopefully as time goes on, I’ll change for the better. Some of those elements will always remain though. Something I’ll have to live with no doubt. At least I’m probably stronger than I used to be even if sometimes I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.

I was going to post a photo of my Dad but chose not to. My favourite recent picture of him is one I took while home for the weekend when I lived in Stafford for a year. My Mum was trying to show him how to play a game on the DS (Zoo Keeper I think) so they were sitting together with her guiding him. It was a special photo as it was just of them both normal. They weren’t posing, they weren’t dressed up. It was just them: my parents. The fact it was a photo that no one else has seen or been witness to makes it that bit more special. A moment in time I guess where everything was good.

Anyway, enough therapy based rambling. Best face the day properly!

Written for http://www.xboxgamezone.co.uk June 2009

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Have you ever wondered what goes through the mind of Quentin Tarantino? What kind of disturbing dreams he might have? Maybe he just dreams of fluffy bunny rabbits roaming fields happily, but I suspect that really he dreams of a world like Afro Samurai. Afro Samurai is probably the most violent game I have ever seen. If the Daily Mail bothered to pay attention to games other than Grand Theft Auto or Manhunt, the entire office would have a heart attack watching just the first five minutes of Afro Samurai. The game is truly unrelenting with its depictions of violence and excessive use of strong language. If ever a game was deserving of an 18 certificate, this is it. If you are a prude, stop right here. You won’t like this game one bit; I haven’t even explained the sexual references in the game yet. This is most definitely a game for open minded adults, and no one else.

For those of you who haven’t heard of Afro Samurai before (myself included until I conducted some research), it is a Japanese anime series, set in a futuristic yet feudal Japan, starring a Samurai called Afro. Afro witnesses his father’s murder by another Samurai and vows to avenge him. The typical sort of thing you would expect really. However, Afro Samurai does seem quite a special anime. It has a very unique graphical style, its main character is voiced by ‘the coolest man on the planet’, Samuel L Jackson and it features a soundtrack produced by Wu-Tang Clan member RZA. All of which has been transferred to the game admirably. That’s not to say that I fully understand the story though, in fact I didn’t really have a clue for much of it. I just saw it as a good opportunity for some stress relief! As soon as the game begins, you realise just how violent the game is. Everything about it oozes violence, and blood. Even the achievements are blood thirsty, with points dished out for such things as cutting enemy toes and fingers off at the same time to slicing off hands, heads, feet….well everything you can imagine that could be sliced off with a big sword! Initially this is brilliant fun; it feels oddly liberating to have such simple gameplay as ‘slice people up in a variety of different ways’. The HUD or, should I say, the lack of HUD is also refreshing to see. Afro Samurai relies on visual indicators to help you keep track of events. Afro looks more noticeably covered in blood, the more injured he is. The same thing occurs with the enemies you fight. It’s usually quite obvious to know where you need to go next so a map isn’t really required. To keep track of ‘focus’ mode (it’s a bit like a black and white bullet time mode), a necklace that Afro is wearing lights up white when it’s available to use. The only real downside to the non-existent HUD is that there is also no way of tracking experience gain. Throughout the game, Afro gains experience by killing enemies, each level up means that more attack combos are unlocked gaining Afro new moves. However, as mentioned, there’s no way of tracking how near to levelling up you are, which can feel a bit detached. How much this affects you depends on the kind of gamer you are. Many won’t be bothered in the slightest as they will be happy with just hack n slash action, but for those who like basic RPG elements, they will feel that an opportunity has been sorely missed.

Afro Samurai comes out with some classic moments, the likes of which you just wouldn’t see in other games. Early on in the game, I happened to walk into a room full of scantily clad pole dancing female ninjas. Yes you did read that right, pole dancing ninjas. Maybe the feminist in me should have been disgusted, but instead I was impressed at the originality whether it was by the game developers or the anime creators. It’s not often that a game can surprise me by offering me a different sort of enemy to fight. As well as touches like that, Afro comes out with some unique lines while trawling through feudal Japan. In one level where I had to chase after a woman, every time I went in the wrong direction, I would hear Samuel L Jackson’s unique voice shout ‘You’ve spent so long chasing after justice; you’ve forgotten how to chase pussy’. Another somewhat misogynistic line that I couldn’t help but smile at. As said earlier, you do need to be of an open mind to enjoy this, and being a fan of Samuel L Jackson certainly helps. Afro Samurai is a very smooth game, both graphically and in terms of its self assured coolness, much like its main character really. I hardly noticed any graphical slowdown except for when particularly large battles were occurring, but even then it was minor and didn’t interrupt the enjoyment of the game.

As is almost always the case with games though, there is a negative side to proceedings. Afro Samurai suffers from an all too common affliction, slightly awkward camera angles at times. Coupled with somewhat dodgy platforming action at times, things can get infuriating. It’s a shame really as the fighting is terrific fun once you switch your brain off. But by throwing in a few platforming sections, it can make things more awkward. The camera just doesn’t always go where you want it to go, and as the platforming controls feel thrown in as an afterthought, expect a few insta-deaths to occur.

Afro Samurai is an enjoyable romp. It doesn’t take itself too seriously and it knows it’s never going to be a classic, essential title, but what it does offer is fun. It’s not a game you can gorge yourself on, if you play it for a number of hours at a time, you will start noticing just how flawed it is, and things will become distinctly repetitive. But as a game that you can drop into for an hour or two at a time, it’s excellent fun. It could never rival a title such as Ninja Gaiden but as an easier alternative, it is ideal to waste a few hours of your time. The ability to string together impressively violent looking combos, so easily is perfect for stress relief. It’s like a Summer Blockbuster film, you won’t remember it for years to come, but it’s a great way to while away a few bored hours and you’ll come out smiling.

Written for http://www.xboxgamezone.co.uk

When the Resident Evil 5 demo came out in January of this year, many people including myself felt a little disappointed. It was good old fashioned Resident Evil, but outside. Being outside instantly lost the feeling of threat that previous games managed so well, even worse was the realisation that the control system was frankly a bit rubbish compared to modern titles. I am sure I wasn’t the only person that felt rather cheated. In hindsight, it was silly to feel that way. After all, I wanted Resident Evil; I got it, clunky control system included! With trepidation, I approached the full game desperately hoping that the demo wasn’t indicative of the full game. I was both right and wrong, but I’m pleased to say that despite the initial worries, Resident Evil 5 became one of my favourite games of the year so far.

There are two crucial things you need to know about Resident Evil 5. First of all, it starts quite slowly. In the early stages of the game, I spent much of the time frustrated by the lack of ammo available, and worst of all: bored because it just didn’t feel very interesting or exciting. The other crucial thing to bear in mind is that it really does need to be played alongside another person, at least for the first playthrough. You see, the partner AI is just not very good. Now to be fair to Capcom, it was a big step for them to introduce a co-op partner to the game. As a first attempt, I’ve had worse co-op partners than the Sheva AI but not in a few years, so it certainly feels dated in that respect. By now, Resident Evil 5 sounds distinctly average. It has a slow start, odd controls and poor partner AI, why should you bother playing it when there are games like Dead Space available to you? Simply put, because Resident Evil 5 ends up being bloody brilliant! Yet hugely flawed at the same time. No I haven’t been afflicted with split personalities, but I think Resident Evil 5 has.

Resident Evil 5 reminded me a bit of the film Saw. No, not because of the content, there are no unique torture scenes in this. But because, for the first half of the film it all felt rather average to me, and then the second half was so good and different, that I was willing to forgive it for boring me at first. This is exactly how Resident Evil 5 felt to me. I spent much of the early parts of the game fighting with the controls. The story hadn’t really got going at this point. All I could ascertain was that I, as Chris Redfield, was chasing after a ‘mad scientist’ type known as Irving who was trying to sell a bio-organic weapon on the black market. It just wasn’t really doing it for me. It wasn’t a bad game exactly, just not a very interesting one. I persevered and although obviously the controls didn’t instantly improve, I did learn to adapt quite well and I came to terms with the fact that this was not going to be Gears of War in nature. The greatest improvement however was the story. It picked up at a fast pace. It suddenly became bigger than just stopping Irving and along the way came the triumphant return of a few old ‘friends’. I won’t go into any detail regarding the story as it would definitely spoil a few surprises, but it really did grip me in the way that is normally only reserved for Japanese RPGs. What I can say is it ties in wonderfully with previous Resident Evil games so fans should be very happy. As well as that, the game was getting a bit more innovative than simply ‘run to this location, shoot some zomb….infected, collect a key, ad infinitum’ Granted a lot of it was quite similar, but it was the boss fights that made it so much more than a simple action horror game. The first boss that felt slightly impressive at the time was Uroboros, a tentacled creature that can be weakened only by fire. Oh look, there just happens to be a furnace nearby. You can guess what needs doing, encourage him into the furnace, switch it on and watch him burn. A small touch but at the time I was pleased to see a change from shooting an enemy. I honestly thought that would be it in terms of innovation which was probably a little condescending of me. In hindsight, this was nothing for Resident Evil 5. In later stages, a complete change of tactic was required. You actually had to run from a seemingly indestructible boss, not stand and fight. While playing in co-op, it was fun to see how my partner and I reacted differently to this scenario. I suspected that running was the better option but he stuck at the idea that killing the boss was possible. There were a few situations like this where brute force wasn’t required in any way, and just thinking about them makes me want to play it again. It’s extremely difficult to describe many of these scenarios as simply put; it would ruin far too many surprises. I will say one thing though. Only one part of the entire game frustrated me and this was right at the end. But once I figured out what needed to be done, all the frustration was washed away and I was simply awestruck at what a clever method of winning it was. This probably sounds all too mystifying to you, but I really can’t state enough how much I enjoyed playing Resident Evil 5 after its initial shaky start.

Yes the control system is clunky and I can happily concede on that point. I’m not entirely sure what the solution is as I do wonder if changing the control system to a more ‘run and gun’ style might lose some of the Resident Evil feeling to it, but I suspect maybe a reboot of the whole franchise is needed. Capcom have arguably already done this in a way as the game feels less like survival horror and more like action horror. Not one sequence made me alarmed, and overall the game felt a little too open to be scary in any way. However, Resident Evil 5 is extremely well balanced excluding the control system. Although ammo is quite limited and at times difficult to find, it is still remarkably well placed. There is always just enough to keep you going. The transition from a cut scene to the gameplay is sublime, and the graphics on the whole are truly astonishing. The level design has surpassed previous games and although very linear, manages to feel like you’re in a much larger area than you actually are. There are perhaps too few puzzles compared to recent instalments, but the ones that are there are well implemented. I genuinely found that each level was better than the last, with the end sequence in particular being impressively ingenious. Crucially for a game that encourages co-op play, not once did I experience any lag or connection problems while playing online. It was seamless and I might as well have been playing via system link, rather than with someone 200 miles away. My only complaint is you can’t use voice communication in co-op unless you are already in an Xbox Live party which is a minor, but somewhat irritating fault.

As you can guess I loved the game and I’m truly looking forward to going back to replay it a few more times. Capcom have ensured that there are plenty of reasons to return. Besides the obligatory achievements, there are plenty of in-game extras. Perhaps the most fun extra is the infinite ammo options. During the game you can upgrade your weapons, such as increasing capacity or firepower. Once a gun has been upgraded fully, when you complete the game you can unlock infinite ammo for said weapon. Then on a second playthrough, you can use those weapons in their fully upgraded form to play through the game. Obviously this makes things a lot easier, but also a lot more fun! In my case, it meant that thanks to my trusty upgraded shotgun, I could wipe out pretty much anything the game threw at me, including certain sequences that I simply had to run from previously. As well as this, one rather exciting feature is if you complete the game in less than 5 hours, you get a rocket launcher with infinite ammo. What’s not to love there! You can also collect 30 blue emblems throughout the game which adds to the longevity, figurines and outfits to buy, and there are S ranks to gain, whereby you complete a level particularly well, such as by not dying and having a high accuracy rate. If that’s not enough to keep you busy (and believe me, there’s lots to get done), after you complete the game once, Mercenaries mode unlocks. For anyone who’s played Left4Dead or Gears of War 2′s Horde mode, this is essentially the same thing. This as always, on paper, sounds dull, but is quite good fun and certainly a worthy bonus.

Now as much as I’m raving on about Resident Evil 5, that’s not to say, you won’t be infuriated at times. It does get annoying when you get killed, simply because you needed to reload and you have to stand still to do so. I don’t care if it’s more realistic, nothing about the game is realistic anyhow so it could have been avoided for the sake of fun. The partner AI will make you scream at times on higher difficulties, and I would strongly recommend you play Professional difficulty (unlocked after completing it on Veteran first) with a friend otherwise you might end up throwing a controller through your TV. But if you can play Resident Evil 5 with a friend, or don’t mind starting out on Normal difficulty by yourself, I strongly suspect you will have great fun. If you find yourself getting a little bored at first, keep going. Believe me, it gets a lot better the more you play and hopefully by the end you will feel the same as me, quietly impressed at just how clever some of the sequences were, willing to forgive Resident Evil 5 its flaws and desperate for another go of it!

Written for http://www.xboxgamezone.co.uk April 2009.

I sometimes think my life can be a bit rubbish at times, not always quite as great as I’d like it to be, as I’m sure many of us do. However maybe on those occasions we should think of those poor souls that end up wrapped up in the world of Silent Hill, because their lives just end up a total mess and presumably in the aftermath of the games, they must end up in some pretty heavy duty therapy sessions.

Who cares about their post traumatic stress disorder though, we just love the disturbing nature of Silent Hill. I’m not really sure why the sensationalist media has never caught onto the fact that Silent Hill is much more disturbing than any Grand Theft Auto game has ever been, but I guess it is best not to question the logic of such people as your brain would only explode through excessive stupidity. Anyway, rant over and time to focus on the latest installment of Silent Hill. For those who have yet to play a Silent Hill game (in which case, where have you been?!), they are much the same in terms of gameplay. I don’t mean this in a derogatory way at all, but they do follow a similar path. They all use a third person perspective (think Tomb Raider) with most sections of the game being indoors, and very dark! When you are actually outdoors, it tends to be extremely foggy and difficult to see. All the kind of features that instantly put you off balance especially when you throw in the various monsters that appear from nowhere. The unique thing about Silent Hill, however, is it’s not the monsters that are the scary part. It’s the fact that everything around you is so down right disturbing and generally very weird. Being taken out of your element instantly puts you at unease and immediately makes things that bit more unnerving. All the games involve some puzzle sequences and combat isn’t really the centrepiece of the game. Finally, there are always multiple endings to encourage you to finish the game numerous times. So far, so good. In fact Silent Hill Homecoming matches with all of these vital Silent Hill features, which you would think would be a good thing and it very nearly is.

Silent Hill Homecoming starts out in classic Silent Hill style…..a flashy FMV sequence explaining roughly what’s going on with some great music playing (One More Soul to the Call for those intrigued). I felt instantly comfortable as if I was spending time with an old friend, assuming the old friend was a disturbing and creepy person that is. The storyline unfolds quite slowly but it’s all very typical Silent Hill stuff. You play Alex Shepherd, an American soldier, recently discharged from hospital (presumably from an unknown war), who is returning home. The opening level of the game is a nightmare that Alex has about his younger brother, Josh, and provides a helpful introduction to both the controls and the general theme of the game if you’ve not played a Silent Hill game before. Shortly after, you return to your hometown of Shepherd’s Glen and things take a sinister turn from therein. Although I can’t divulge the story too much without spoiling things, it does all get rather interesting. It’s a shame I felt a lack of empathy to the characters though, too many of them felt like cardboard cut out personalities rather than people I could really feel for.

For much of the early part of the game, it continued to feel like classic Silent Hill to me. Plenty of creepiness, especially, if like me, you find little children wandering around in dark corridors creepy, and generally extremely surreal and disturbing. It is also immediately quite impressive just how many doors in this game have broken locks! This town certainly needs a good locksmith. Everywhere in the game is extremely dark, it starts out quite atmospheric but can get pretty irritating in places. In one level set in a hotel, in places it was quite difficult to actually see what was going on. Sure you can turn the brightness up on your TV but then it all looks wrong as the game is designed to be so dark. It’s all a bit of a catch 22 situation really which could have been so easily solved by Alex’s flashlight actually working properly and illuminating the way! Finding the map for each area is definitely crucial to help you along your way; it’s unfortunate though that even with a map some areas (such as the crypts you have to explore in the first third of the game) are extremely confusing to navigate! The game is admittedly extremely linear in terms of progression but I didn’t find that to be a problem, any single player game with a strong storyline can pull off a linear level structure and Silent Hill Homecoming does this well. With five different endings it’s not too linear but it does admittedly feel a bit of an afterthought, as the only things that affect what ending you get are a few decisions you make in the latter stages of the game. There were also a few places where backtracking actually produced bugs and stopped me from progressing so Double Helix has certainly designed this game with a very set routine in mind. It was pretty infuriating to be stuck because of something that game testing managed to miss!

I felt it initially very refreshing compared to other recently released horror games, that there weren’t hundreds of monsters around to try to kill me. Unfortunately it didn’t last for very long as in later stages; there are perhaps a few too many monsters for my liking. I enjoyed the exploration element of Homecoming much more than the combat, this is in part due to the combat being temperamental to say the least. It all just feels far too clunky compared to the likes of Gears of War and Dead Space. I appreciate that Silent Hill Homecoming isn’t meant to be a third person shooter, but surely a better combat system could have been implemented? It felt slow and cumbersome to do anything and dodging was particularly awkward to achieve successfully. I did get to grips with it eventually but it just didn’t feel as polished as it could have been. Having said that I had no problems defeating any monsters until I came across the fearsome Schisms who were just plain nasty! Especially as the first time I encountered one, I had very little ammo on me. However other than that, I didn’t actually find anything a huge challenge on normal mode. On a second playthrough on hard mode, you can quickly acquire a laser pistol which makes things even simpler. It’s all a matter of finding the right method to quickly kill your enemy. For example, use a knife to kill the feral dogs as it is quick enough to stop them fighting back. More fearsome looking enemies such as Smogs (they spit toxic fog at you) simply involve shooting at their glowing lungs at an appropriate moment a couple of times. Needlers involve a little more thought as you have to dodge their attacks frequently but it’s still fairly simple to defeat. Even the bosses follow a set pattern that doesn’t take much thought from an experienced gamer to traverse. It’s annoying as it makes fighting anything feel a bit tedious, I felt myself just wanting to get past the enemies so I could get on with unraveling the story instead.

Really the problem with Silent Hill Homecoming is it is just all too familiar. Familiarity breeds contempt as some would say. This isn’t quite the case with Silent Hill Homecoming. It’s a perfectly respectable game; it just feels like it could have been so much more. It’s as if Double Helix played it safe as it’s their first Silent Hill game, so they stuck to the tried and tested formula and made the game adequate, but nothing more. It’s hugely subjective but to me, the crucial thing that Homecoming lacks is passion, and like everything in life, a bit of passion can make things so much more exciting and more memorable. Really, it all depends on what you spend on this game. Full price and you’ll be a little disappointed but buy it at a budget price, and Silent Hill Homecoming is a perfectly respectable way of spending a few days gaming. And don’t forget, there may be no multiplayer mode (which would look very out of place!) but there are five endings to see which is surely worth a few replays! Give it a shot, just don’t expect too much of it.

Review is now up here
Enjoy!