Disclaimer: This is rather tongue in cheek. I don’t mind my job really and quite happily accept people have it a hell of a lot worse! Plus I appreciate that many retail staff encourage the crap behaviour by being as bad as some customers! Still doesn’t stop me wanting to moan from time to time though especially as I always try my best.

These have all happened to me. Fortunately not on the same day!

1) Ask them a question that requires them to stop what they’re doing when they’re currently in the middle of struggling to carry 12 litres of Coke. Bonus points if you could have asked the member of staff who wasn’t doing anything at the time but instead you chose the busy one.

2) Mumble your name/name of item you’re looking for then get grumpy when asked to repeat it. Bonus points if you have a very difficult to understand accent or you’re asking for something obscure.

3) Allow your child to decimate the pick n mix leaving an impressive pile of destruction in their wake. Bonus points if your child half chews a sweet then puts it back.

4) Allow your child to run around the shop screaming and knocking over every display they can get their hands on. Bonus points if they run at the member of staff struggling with the 12 litres of coke.

5) Allow your child to suck on a DVD case. No bonus points here because it’s just plain unpleasant!

6) When you don’t get your way, throw an object at the member of staff you’re annoyed with while you storm out of the shop. Bonus points if you manage to hit them with it.

7) Do act as if it’s the end of the world when a staff member tells you whatever you wanted is out of stock. It’s clearly their fault not yours if you waited until 10 minutes before closing on Christmas Eve to buy your child a Nintendo Wii. How were you to know they were very popular?

8 ) If the staff member is female, they know absolutely nothing about games or action films. It doesn’t matter if they seem to be quite knowledgeable on the subject, they are clearly lying and are not to be trusted.

9) Do be condescending at all times and do treat the staff member as if they are worth less than the dirt on your shoe. They’re not really people, they are mindless drones.

10) Do feel free to rearrange the store layout. The staff just love it if half of the stock is on the other side of the shop as it was at the start of the day.

In a strangely diplomatic sort of way as I wrote some of these I could then think of a counter argument if I were the customer. Except the half chewed sweet thing, that’s just disgusting.