I woke up with a sense of dread today which is a horrible way to wake up. I should know. Every day for most of 2008 I had that feeling. It’s no way to wake up.
I don’t like where I am in life at the moment and the fact that it’s my birthday at the weekend just makes me feel all the more disheartened. There’s something about birthdays, they make me re-evaluate my life and I don’t like where I am.
I should be pleased really. Last year I couldn’t even walk without crutches and my life was entirely on hold. But I guess I’m the kind of person that keeps on expecting things, and why shouldn’t I really?
I’m thoroughly unhappy with my part time job. It might technically be part time but it feels like full time hassle. More often than not on my days off I’ll be called and asked if I can come in. Sometimes there’s no fuss but other times I can sense the tone in the voice of whoever’s asked me and I feel guilty. Of course I should let it pass me by but it’s annoying feeling as if I’m dreading the phone ringing so often!
On the days I am meant to be in work, I’ll often have a call asking me to come in earlier. For example, yesterday I was called to come in earlier than 5pm. I offered 4pm when it was clear that earlier was preferred. When it came to 3.45pm and I’d finished eating and was just getting changed for work, I got a call to say not to come in till 6pm. Good but infuriating!
I work anti social hours, almost always until 10.30pm. By the time I get home and wind down sufficiently, I go to bed ridiculously late. I’ve missed out on any time in the evening to just relax. Lately I’ve found myself writing well into 1-2am because that’s the only time I seem to have and I’ve got deadlines to keep.
I rarely know when I’m going to be working or for how long. This week’s rota wasn’t actually available until Friday night, that’s 3 days before the first shift of the week! It’s like that every week with hardly any clue as to what’s planned for me next. I’m on a 6hr contract but I can work anywhere between 4hrs a week and 25hrs a week. Lately it’s been on the higher end of that scale which as you can imagine is tricky to juggle amongst all the writing work. It’s certainly affecting it I think.
Most of all though, I’m horribly bored of it and find myself dreading going in. So many things have changed there in recent weeks, that I’ve had enough. I want out. I don’t feel the family spirit that used to be there, too many good people have left.
I’ve never felt trapped in a job as I’ve always been fortunate to be able to just walk if need be (although I’ve always served my notice period!). I am this time though. I’ve got bills to pay, Christmas and my Mum’s birthday to fund. It still doesn’t stop me staring at my finances and wondering if I could manage it though. I can’t but it’s nice to dream and feel I have a tiny bit of control over things.
There are other things of course.
I worry I won’t get anywhere with my writing and I’m wasting my time. I have no back up plan though which is sometimes rather scary to realise.
I worry about me and my Mum. We can’t afford the house we live in, the house I’ve been in for the vast majority of my life. Money is gradually vanishing and really, we’re going to have to sell up and leave. The house needs a ridiculous amount of decorating done to it though and we haven’t got two full people what with my Mum’s neck injury.
I won’t even bother mentioning how I’ve been single for a long time and it’s starting to bug me. I think I’ve whined a sufficient amount. I needed to get it off my chest though.
Maybe things will work out eventually, eh?