You’d think by now that I’d have got this all figured out. Past difficult days have taught me that the anticipation beforehand is typically (but not always) worse than the actual day but the same is often true of the days following when I’m knackered and trying to regain my mental strength. I still manage to momentarily forget it every time though.
I think a lot of it today is that I’ve spent the last few days looking out for my Mum. That’s not me trying to sound martyrish (honest!) but it is what I do. I did it for the first two weeks after my Dad died. I kept as strong as possible (and with hindsight it was a scary level of strength) to protect her. Granted she’s always been terribly strong too and would have been fine with a ‘weaker’ me but it doesn’t seem to be a conscious decision that my brain makes. Two days after my Dad’s funeral (his funeral wasn’t until nearly 2 weeks after due to the autopsy) I woke up with an absolutely awful cold. Worst cold I’ve ever had, probably flu I guess as I hardly had the energy to get out of bed for a good few days. It was clearly my body temporarily giving up for a bit. It had done its best but 2 weeks was enough.
It’s daft of my brain and I’d do so much better to be open about my feelings and just feel crap on those days. It’s also something that frequently worries me. I worry that if I don’t open up enough about my feelings that it’s all going to catch up and be so much worse one day. I guess that’s why I write here really. I’m not someone that can talk to someone face to face and if I write here I figure people can choose not to read it and thus I haven’t pushed anyone into listening to me.
So yes, today I’m knackered. Impressively I still managed to get one article written up but fortunately I have a quieter week this week so I don’t have to rush too much. It just seemed like a sensible idea to do. Once it was done and a brief shopping trip to Asda was out of the way (in which I realised my patience levels were nil), I seem to have flitted from one thing to another without quite settling. Worst of all I haven’t really enjoyed anything today, just plodded along really. I’m hoping after another night’s sleep I’ll feel a bit better. Who knows but I can but hope!